Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Calling it

Barack Obama will be the next president of the United States. Book it.

Also, the dog just pissed in his sleep. It didn't faze him. I am entranced by this. We have a piss dog here.

Giuliani - Getting all Freudian

Rudy Giuliani on McCain's support.

"The theory goes that, reporters return to their own, vo-voting habits."

His vo-vo-voting habits, Rudy? Did you just compare your man to puke? I live with mammal, 24-7, who devours his vomit, and does so enthusiastically. His life is an unending cycle of misplaced devotion.

Madelyn Dunham - RIP

It's barely noon, and Kevin has resorted to mocking the dead. Stay tuned for a classy evening, folks.

Why I Support Obama

As a cat, I support Barack Obama for the following reasons:

1) First off, I am black. While some may consider this irrelevant, and may also note that I am more of a charcoal-grey, I feel I understand what oppression is.

2) The good people of ACORN have supplied me with 1 and 1/4 lb. of hamburger (real burger, none of this Fancy Feast shit) in exchange for my vote.

3) The veteranarian who removed my testicles is a Republican.

4) I support a middle class tax cut.


I also support Norm Coleman. I mean, I'm not a lunatic.

Monday, November 03, 2008

Live coverage

As Kevin dishes it, I take it.

The owners are away, the dog is enamored of the clicking sound the ice machine makes, and is thusly distracted. Let's do this.

Saturday, September 06, 2008

An Endorsement

It would seem that Kevin was, erm, impressed with John McCain's speech. I mean, don't get me wrong. His endoresement was subtle, and I had to read the lines. But if we parse the text, I think we can get the meaning. Here is an excerpt:

"McCain is everything ever!!!! Obama will kill homeless orphans because he takes a liking to it!!!! IT IS ABSURD TO HOLD DIFFERENT OPINIONS!!!!"

I'm sorry, was this a cynical Republican watching a predictable convention speech or Kathryn Jean Lopez playing canasta with the !@#$ing Pope?


Wednesday, October 10, 2007

An acquaintance of mine recently encountered a problem. His cat was clingy and, seemingly, depressed. The solution? More cats.

This is a curious line of reasoning. I am an only cat myself. Of course, while I enjoy the respite from people during the day, I am not without sympathy for those cats (most of whom are illiterate) who find the loneliness overwhelming. For those cats, I would suggest exercise. For outdoor cats, I find that taking a jog around the block clears the head, without putting so much distance between myself and the house that I become disoriented and feral.

I remember when the owners brought the dog home from wherever the hell it is people get dogs. The dog, as regular readers know, is completely retarded. As I speak, he is barking at the flashing time on the VCR, as he does every single day. The owners find this behavior endearing. Suffice to say, his company is completely insufficient to salve any wounds that my loneliness might have created.

And neither would the introduction of another cat. Now, if Bridgette and her articulate neandrethal of a husband feel compelled to acquire cats in order to expand whatever it is having multiple cats is supposed to do for someone, then this is their decision. But simply adding another cat to appease the first is ineffective at best, cruel at worst.

Do humans have babies in order to sate the desire for similarly aged company on the part of their first born? No. You people make more people because you love babies and insist on having sex almost constantly. I do not get the sex drive of human beings. Granted, I have no testicles, as my owner saw fit to remove them on account of some sort of custom you barbarians have, but still. Humans are like gay apes.

Besides, I've met the Welle's new cat. He's kind of an ass. He goes on and on about "Friday Night Lights" and how it shouldn't be cancelled. For crying out loud, it's a TV show about football, how about cracking a book?

So yeah, I'm against the decision to move toward a multiplicity of cats. I find it absurd.

Thursday, May 10, 2007


I have to be honest. I have been very offended by "The Problem With Kevin" lately. While I usually grant a certain amount of latitude to those who are more creative, I think there are some breaches of civility here. In particular, the offhand comments about people of particular backgrounds or races, the proponderance of cussing, and the degrading attitude toward women are deeply offensive to me.

Further, his conservative rants are getting out of control, and I don't understand why he finds it necessary to criticize other people's favorite restaurants. I am calling on Kevin to remove discontinue his blog, at least for the time being, and wait until he can proceed in a more constructive manner.

I'm sorry to be so bold, but I feel this needs to be said.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

I'm itchy

I itch today. It can't be fleas. God, I hope it's not fleas. You think it's fleas? Can I get fleas in the wintertime? I really wouldn't know. I'm only 10 months old.

Ah, I am itchy, though, no matter how many times I bat myself with my paw, I can't seem to. Alright, I'm just gonna have to use my tongue. That's a little better. Yeah, that's not bad. I like licking myself, when i get around to it.

You can leave now.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Apparently I'm out of date

Or at least self-proclaimed blog-policeman Kevin Sawyer thinks so. I guess I don't update my blog frequently enough for his liking. Well, gee, I'd better update. What should I write? Perhaps I should consult the expert. What would Kevin do?

Um, boy, so-and-so second tier televangelist has raised my ire with his unorthodox political shenanigans. Yes, he is heretical for disagreeing with me! Everyone get angry at once, even though you have never heard of him!

Hey, Rip Torn, wanna get high? Yes, is Rip Torn ironic enough? I think he's pretty ironic, and I would like to get high with him for that reason. See, I am using a recurring joke. Isn't that so, so clever? That is called comedy. Apparently, I'm an expert in comedy, allow me to spend 200 paragraphs telling you how expert I am.

Hey, you know what sucks? "Life is Beautiful" sucks. Yes, everyone loved that movie, so I am required to hate it. Worst film ever. Oh, and the Republican part is just awwwwwwwwesome! I mean, I'm aware of their faults, but I just think they are incredible. I am SUCH a fanboy. I put the GO in GOP, you know what I'm saying.

Yes, I can blog too. Everyone should read my 58 posts per week because I'm brilliant and amazing.

Oh, and Kevin, do you have any friends who AREN'T pregnant. Who is your pastor, Caligula?