Wednesday, October 10, 2007

An acquaintance of mine recently encountered a problem. His cat was clingy and, seemingly, depressed. The solution? More cats.

This is a curious line of reasoning. I am an only cat myself. Of course, while I enjoy the respite from people during the day, I am not without sympathy for those cats (most of whom are illiterate) who find the loneliness overwhelming. For those cats, I would suggest exercise. For outdoor cats, I find that taking a jog around the block clears the head, without putting so much distance between myself and the house that I become disoriented and feral.

I remember when the owners brought the dog home from wherever the hell it is people get dogs. The dog, as regular readers know, is completely retarded. As I speak, he is barking at the flashing time on the VCR, as he does every single day. The owners find this behavior endearing. Suffice to say, his company is completely insufficient to salve any wounds that my loneliness might have created.

And neither would the introduction of another cat. Now, if Bridgette and her articulate neandrethal of a husband feel compelled to acquire cats in order to expand whatever it is having multiple cats is supposed to do for someone, then this is their decision. But simply adding another cat to appease the first is ineffective at best, cruel at worst.

Do humans have babies in order to sate the desire for similarly aged company on the part of their first born? No. You people make more people because you love babies and insist on having sex almost constantly. I do not get the sex drive of human beings. Granted, I have no testicles, as my owner saw fit to remove them on account of some sort of custom you barbarians have, but still. Humans are like gay apes.

Besides, I've met the Welle's new cat. He's kind of an ass. He goes on and on about "Friday Night Lights" and how it shouldn't be cancelled. For crying out loud, it's a TV show about football, how about cracking a book?

So yeah, I'm against the decision to move toward a multiplicity of cats. I find it absurd.